Tag: pain

Sunrise

I managed to wake up today
I got out of bed
Fighting all of those forces
Holding me down
Every morning

I mustered the courage up today
I put up the window blinds
And I finally let the light
Illuminate my fears

I can’t deny the nightmares
But after I had screamed enough
I also visited the beach
And there I spoke to people
Even if they weren’t real.

I broke the chains
That tied me down to the bed
I got rid of the excruciating pain
Physical, mental
That wouldn’t let me get up.

There was a sunrise today.
There was light.
I managed to wake up today.
I got out of bed.

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Euthanasia.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock
Round and round goes the clock.

I’m growling, I’m suffering, I’m crying
It’s hurting, it’s paining, it’s killing
But I’m not dying.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out
My soul is slipping with every cry, every shout
I’m not leaving, I’m still staying
I’m not dying.

Craving a hug from the grim reaper
But I push him away
This romance is not permitted
This romance is not accepted

I’m moaning, it’s paining, I’m hissing
But worry not
I’m not dying.

Our love story would not start
Death is waiting, I’m ready and willing
But I’m not dying.

I want to grab and hit and remove
All of these machines that make me feel alive
Alive but not really

I finally see the end line
The race was too long
But now my pace seems slower
Can’t wait to reach

I’m coming, I’m approaching, I’m trying
But wait —
How much ever I try
I’m not dying.

I’m not dying.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock
Round and round goes the clock
With every tick I’m sighing
But wait,
I’m not dying.

An Open Letter to Vocabulary.

Dear Vocabulary,

The idea of writing this letter to you came to my mind while completing an assignment where I stated something starting with “…when men” while referring to a general aspect of human nature.

It struck me, quite weirdly, what some sets of feminists often talk about — how you too (I do not know intentionally or not, willingly or unwillingly) have given in to patriarchy. It’s sad.

You are a child of language, language that all of humankind (at least we have moved on from “mankind”) uses to communicate thoughts and ideas and feelings. Yet, sometimes, using you puts men on a slightly higher platform than all of the other genders, because words like “guys” while addressing a room full of more than a single gender are casually used.

Also, while I do not want to take names, but in certain languages, a group consisting of varied genders is referred to, in masculine.

It’s ironical, isn’t it, how something that’s so diverse in its very nature entirely ignores diversity?

I’m guilty too. I often go to a group of my girl friends and start my sentences with “okay guys” or “bhai sun na..”

I sometimes feel that you are, after all, the biggest weapon all of us on Earth have, for you make our voices go loud and clear and also echo in minds, and while all of us are allowed some flaws, the position you hold, it’s time we work on the flaws and move towards making you slightly more gender neutral, for you really can’t afford the flaws.
Transform now.

 

Regards

Thoughts that come and go, but shouldn’t go.

Cold November.

I sit here

At mid night

In cold November

Wrapped in my blanket

And a cup of chai in my hand

Chai that I never drank

But am addicted to, for the past month

Speculating

About life in general

Listening to the

Tip tap, tip tap, tip tap

Of the water leaking from the shower

My brother did not properly put off

Speculating

About the altogether different life

That I have today

And the life that I had

Few months ago.

I was studying late night

A year ago

I am studying late night

A year later

I had life changing exams then

But zero anxiety

And today I am scared and fearful

Of results that never mattered to me before.

 
My brother twists and turns in his dreams

I look at him and smile

And miss myself being in his place

A few years ago

Having 99 problems

And school being all of them.

Today, I have 9999 problems

And school isn’t one.

 
I wonder why

These little things bother me so much

Why the hatred of friends and breaking of hearts

Don’t seem like problems anymore

And things that I never really cared about

Hit me hard

 
I wanted to grow up

But I swear I was never told

That I would have to bear with me

A different me

A lonely me

A scared me

That I would have to bear with another person

Who claims to be me

But I’m afraid

Is not who I was

A few months ago…

मैंने तुम्हारे लिए, अपना हर उसूल तौड़ दिया

लेकिन तुमने?

तुमने तो मेरा दिल ही तोड़ दिया।

15 Minutes.

The weather was beautiful that evening, and we all sat in that small room in our not so huge flat, but a flat big enough to accommodate the 4 of us. Me, my lovely wife, my beautiful, teenaged daughter and my adorable, caring mother.

My daughter had prepared tea for the first time that evening, and my wife and I had baked chocochip cookies. We spent some time singing our favourite songs and talking about nice things but then I received a call from office and had to leave immediately.

I changed into my office attire and walked out of the house, called for a cab, and smiling at the beautiful evening I had just had, left for the dreadful meeting that had spoilt the time I had promised to my family.

I must have been around 15 minutes away from my house when I heard screams and people shouting and there was a ruckus around me. People ran from one place to another and no one knew what’s happening. I could only think of the three ladies sitting at home and before I could think of something else, I jumped out of the cab and ran back to the place I then called home, but a place whose vague memories now bring nightmares.

It was only a gap of fifteen minutes, and it was enough to cause so much devastation. My house was in ruins, my family dead. A gap of fifteen minutes that destroyed everything, a gap of fifteen minutes that took away my entire life.

I haven’t slept properly for the last one year, wishing I hadn’t left for that meeting, wishing I could stop it all, wishing I could save my family….

Come to me, tonight.

Come to me, tonight. I can make you happy,  I can make you forget your fears. I will be your acquaintance, your friend, your lover.

Bring me closer to your lips, kiss me. I will help you overcome your worries. Through your good times and bad, I will stick by you.

Stay with me, tonight. I am capable of releasing your inhibitions. We can talk, you can cry, I will always listen silently.

Come. Come closer to me. Stay in my vicinity. Come to me in your darkest times, and I’ll be the solution to all your problems.

Find me. Look for me. Look for me at the party, I’m right beside you, smiling at you. Look for me when you fail, I’m here, waiting for you to come and kiss me.

Hold me. Hold me with both your hands gripping tightly on both my side and bring me closer to you. As the distance between us decreases, your heartbeat rises, but you and I both know, I’m the one who can calm you down, soothe you, help you overcome any and every obstruction.

Here, embrace me. Tightly. Never let go.
For after this, you can’t. You can’t let go of me. Your love for me increases every minute. You want to run away from me, but you can’t. So why not embrace me further?

You’re far. Far away from your family, from your friends, from your life that you termed ‘normal’. I’m your life now. I take your decisions, I define your life. Without me, you’re nothing. Without me, you fail. Without me, you fall.

So come to me, tonight. I’ll be your addiction.

Open your eyes, the cold, calming sensation on your hands is that of my body. You still hold the sleek, beautiful me. You’re trapped, and now you can never let go of me.

I’m your bottle, your acquaintance, your friend, your lover. You were introduced to me, and you can now never let go of me.

You’re far away from your family, from your friends, from your life that you termed ‘normal’.

“अगर शराब में नशा होता, तोह बोतलें ना झूम उठतीं?”