My friends once innocently asked me, what exactly do you feel when you have this ‘anxiety’ of yours?
“Have you ever seen a truck at the other end of the road when you’re at this end, and it is no where near you but you do not cross, worried that it might kill you? And then you stand there waiting for it to leave and when it does…. it’s already too late because it brought with it another swarm of vehicles and now you have to stand here for 20 more minutes before you can finally cross the road?
That’s how I feel with my entire life. Tears start trickling down my cheek and my nose and my lips at this failure of mine. Small failure, if you may.”
“Have you ever experienced a practice test that has absolutely nothing to do with your final grade, and you see everybody chilling about it and you chill for 5 mins to watch a video your favourite spoken word poet just uploaded, 3 days before the test?
Those 5 minutes give me all of the emotions you can ever imagine, I cry, I feel guilty, I get anxious, I declare myself a failure at life.”
“Have you ever waited an eternity for a reply to a message you sent 2 seconds ago? Within this time period have you run every conversation, every fight, every little mistake as a flashback in your mind? Have you heard a whisper “this friendship is dead”?
That’s how I feel after every short talk that we have, after every missed call, every unread text, every unanswered e-mail.”
“Every assignment that’s not even due until the next week, or the week after that, every competition that I have been selected for but don’t feel good enough for, every hypothetical story and every whatsapp message that I haven’t even opened reminds me I’m a huge failure, I’m not worthy of where I am, I do not deserve the people who love me and life will never be perfect for me.”
With all of this in my head, to their amusement, I only said “I feel scared.”