Cold November.

I sit here

At mid night

In cold November

Wrapped in my blanket

And a cup of chai in my hand

Chai that I never drank

But am addicted to, for the past month

Speculating

About life in general

Listening to the

Tip tap, tip tap, tip tap

Of the water leaking from the shower

My brother did not properly put off

Speculating

About the altogether different life

That I have today

And the life that I had

Few months ago.

I was studying late night

A year ago

I am studying late night

A year later

I had life changing exams then

But zero anxiety

And today I am scared and fearful

Of results that never mattered to me before.

 
My brother twists and turns in his dreams

I look at him and smile

And miss myself being in his place

A few years ago

Having 99 problems

And school being all of them.

Today, I have 9999 problems

And school isn’t one.

 
I wonder why

These little things bother me so much

Why the hatred of friends and breaking of hearts

Don’t seem like problems anymore

And things that I never really cared about

Hit me hard

 
I wanted to grow up

But I swear I was never told

That I would have to bear with me

A different me

A lonely me

A scared me

That I would have to bear with another person

Who claims to be me

But I’m afraid

Is not who I was

A few months ago…

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8 thoughts on “Cold November.

  1. The fear of the unknown and the feeling of being lost in a seemingly endless ocean. Struggling between being glad about college life and yearning for the carefree school life. Ohh this phase!
    The uncertainties are captured well in your words.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Superbly expressed the transformation which is taking place in your life…quite obvious but slightly difficult to accept.. learning phase…well done …proud of you as always

    Liked by 1 person

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