Month: October 2015

Missing.

“Mom, I have seen in your eyes the pain and the longing for the child you always dreamt of, and the child I couldn’t be. I have seen you look at the other kids I can never mix up with, and I know you think a lot about my inadequacy, of something that will always be missing.”

“Dad, I know I could not be the confident girl taking on challenge after challenge, like you did as a kid, and I have seen you envy your colleague’s daughter who spreads a beautiful aura every time she comes over, and I hide in the room.”

“But don’t you worry mom, for I have also seen the efforts in your eyes, I know you’re trying to accept the harsh reality you unfortunately have to put up with because of me mom, I know you’re trying to love me. I’m your darling, after all.”

“Dad, I promise you, someday you won’t have to deal with the same embarrassment. Yet what do I do dad? When those kids laugh, I worry they are laughing at my expense. I wish I was the kid you wanted.”

“I know there will always be something missing. I will always be inadequate.”

“We cannot communicate mom and dad, the way the other kids communicate with their parents, but I do understand the pain in your heart without being able to hear what you have to say, or say what I want to without speaking on, as they say, my fingers.”

“I am inadequate and I will always be. I can never hear or speak and that is probably why there will always be something missing.”

“Mom and dad, I have seen you talk to the girl next door, and why do I feel that you had rather have her than me, mom and dad?”

Inspired by “I can Play Schools” by  May C Jenkins.

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Beggarly crockery.

You entered my small house

Disappointed

But also nostalgic

We used to play here so much as kids

My wife served you plain dal and dry chapati

In my beggarly crockery

And you couldn’t believe I could treat a guest like that.

You were taken aback

By my irritating table habits

Though I remember us eating like that as kids together

You live in a larger house, you always did

You dine on a dining table with forks and knives

And the most expensive China

And you were annoyed by what you had to cope with here

In this ransacked house I own

Whose walls still have the “paintings”

We made as children.

You were so uncomfortable sitting cross legged on the floor

Although as a kid

I remember

You insisted your parents let you sit on the floor

At your large bungalow too

At dinner time.

I asked you to stay for the night

Like old times

When we shared a single, ragged blanket

But you stared at the humble bedding I had

And said

“My wife must be waiting for me”

And I couldn’t help but smile at the thought

Of all those days in childhood

When your mom used to wait for you

But you wouldn’t listen.

I think we just grew up, I think we finally started seeing the boundaries between us.

Halt.

Taught since eternity that life is a race, we all seem to run aimlessly, unaware of the final destination and that is when, suddenly, life comes to a halt. A sudden, quick, unanticipated halt. All activities abandoned, a sentence left half spoken, a story half told and so many unsaid good byes, life comes to a halt.

What is worse is that while that one life has come to a halt, the other lives do not seem to pause at all. They go on at the same pace sometimes adding that pang of guilt that doesn’t let us sleep at night, as to why has one journey abruptly ended and we seem to keep travelling without waiting.

Waiting? Waiting for what? The wait is pointless for nobody is coming back. In the midst of the buzzing activity of the family, friends and foes, one life has come to a halt.

While there was so much to do sometime ago, there is nothing to do anymore for everything that needed to be done, does not matter any more. The ever moving motivational force behind what needed to be done has ended, for life has come to a halt.

It’s these halts that scare the most, that make you ponder upon the worthiness of this life you keep living, and it’s these halts that fascinate the most.

When the life of a loved one comes to a halt, remember that you don’t have a choice to pause your life for your life will keep moving forward, unaware of the halt that occurred and the halt that awaits….