Party.

I had seen this end coming already – so ideally, there should’ve been no surprise when I entered that usually empty room, and saw it lined with chairs waiting to be filled and a dead body lying naked in the far right corner. Wait, what were the chairs doing there? Who is even going to come?

I thought that it would just be me and his dead ass sitting in this room. My eyes had lost enough tears the past 2 years- when they had to see him burn, burn, burn, slowly…. Eventually reaching this grand finalé we have, for some reason, conveniently termed “death”. This was time for me to get down that alcohol, lean over his deformed body and laugh about the times we had had! And oh god, oh god those times!

Out of the 18 years of my existence, for at least 15, he had my back. I can’t really remember the first time I had met him. What I do remember is that the relationship had started getting stronger and stronger during my teenage years – that was when I had needed him the most, anyway. I couldn’t really have passed all those exams, made all those friends, given all those speeches without him. You know, I couldn’t have been the famous chick in my highschool had he not been around.

“Tch, tch, tch -“
That was a familiar sound.

And I saw her walk in.

So this is who put the chairs and threw a party – a party? At least that’s what the big truck full of balloons and I think… I think those are fries… suggests. I wouldn’t expect anything better from her anyway. This bitch always wanted him dead, didn’t she?

“Leave, Anxiety.” I said.
“Who’ll take care of all the guests then? They’re all coming – Mrs. and Mr. Panic Attack, His Majesty Depression, good old Mr. Phobia with his girlfriend Paranoia.. I am sure you wouldn’t be able to deal with all of them right now, with your Confidence all dead, would you?”

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Tonight

 

I'm going to dance tonight
To slow rhythms
That match my heart beat

And in that moment
I will forget the existence
Of this world that fears everything different.

I will toast to myself tonight
To everything that I am
That this world isn't

I will throw a party
Away from the 'normal'
Because I refuse to be 'normal'.

And at this party
I will invite everyone you rejected
Because they looked, dressed, dreamt differently

This party will celebrate
Everything you deny the existence of 
And this party will celebrate
The existence of you, of me, of everyone together.

I will pour drinks
That you haven't heard of
These drinks won't have labels.

The music will get louder
The dancing will get faster
The pain will numb itself.

I'm going to throw a party tonight
I'm going to dance tonight
I'm going to introduce you to me tonight.





#19 Lullaby

If there’s someone I know as beautiful as this poem, it’s Kavya herself.

Matched Perceptions

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The lullaby you used to sing

Still echoes in my ears.

It sticks with me on nights when I wake up terrified

From a nightmare too eerie than any Annabelle sequel

And caress my hair,

It’s touch calming down every cell of my body.

And when on nights I become too scared

By the unusual howls coming from across the road,

Like some magical soothingness, your lullaby

Continues to straighten the creases on my forehead

With the love that poured from your voice.

The syllables fall from your lips like pearls,

Weave a necklace of confidence

And hang it around my neck.

The song you used to sing has been stuck in my mind

Like the strongest adhesive

Simultaneously joining the torn pieces of my soul.

And when on some nights I sleep well,

I dream of you,

Rocking me to sleep in your lap

Singing the lullaby you used…

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Sunrise

I managed to wake up today
I got out of bed
Fighting all of those forces
Holding me down
Every morning

I mustered the courage up today
I put up the window blinds
And I finally let the light
Illuminate my fears

I can’t deny the nightmares
But after I had screamed enough
I also visited the beach
And there I spoke to people
Even if they weren’t real.

I broke the chains
That tied me down to the bed
I got rid of the excruciating pain
Physical, mental
That wouldn’t let me get up.

There was a sunrise today.
There was light.
I managed to wake up today.
I got out of bed.

Fairy Tale

My heart flutters
Like it is supposed to
I was told so –
In my bedtime stories
And fairy tales.

You look at me
A clichéd damsel in distress
Waiting for you
To come, be my saviour

For if it weren’t for you
And for fairy god mother who made a shoe
That would help you find me
I would have died by choking on a damn apple

I smile and look good
Because opinions don’t suit a princess
And mumma always called me a “princess”
But princesses need kisses to survive.

Because men are frogs and beasts
Beauties are supposed to find good in
And I would still be asleep
If it wasn’t for my knight-in-shining-armor.

I talk to a freaking mirror (or today, instagram)
For validation of my good looks
And my long, silky hair
Are requirements if I want to find love.

Don’t get me wrong –
I love pretty men
And happy-ever-afters
And endings where my favourite character manages to live

But I would like to write those endings myself
And these won’t involve a shoe
Or seven short men
And definitely not a kiss

I am my own fairy tale.

Grey

Grey walls, grey-er mood
A final goodbye
Tears down your cheeks
And you hide your face
Fake smiles all around
But I heard them whisper
“We did all we could”
The best kiss for me
The final kiss for you
Heart broken
Machines making me breathe
The final few times
Gorgeous men and beautiful women
Hovering
They are people of science
They tried to save
They did all they could
Opened me up
Pumped
Ingested
But I gave up
I gave up
I let go

I love you.